Our Mindset Is Hardest Prison
Do you feel that you don’t have anything to show even after the hardwork you’ve done? Do you feel an invisible force stopping your happiness? If Yes, this article is for you.
Most of us want to get out of the present situation and work hard to get to live the life we want to live. However most of us can’t have that life, it seems that, there is an invisible force acting against us.
Therefore there is notion that luck plays all the way, the problem is that life is so complicated to be fully understood and even for understanding small part takes time. But that is not the problem, cause with time most of us seem to sort out the complicated part. What we cannot seem to tackle is our own initial belief, and are not ready to change the way we see the world.
Young children are susceptible to change in belief and it happens automatically for them, there is not much to do than growing up. Initially we think that our home is the world, than as we start to walk we see a larger world and know that we are self-mobile. Then, going to school and learning new fact is changes us. The story starts small and gets bigger.
As children, we are blank slates, henceforth creating new beliefs is easy. Yet as we grow up, our beliefs and thoughts are the evidence of the life that we have already lived. The story we tell ourselves, is our world to us. Changing it feels like going into a new world leaving our old lives behind. Hence it becomes an emotional turmoil.
Changing our mindset seems to be existential crisis and existence is the top most priority of a living being. We all want to exist as we are. We want the world to accept us as we are. We want to be loved as we are. Yet we forget to ask the one most important question, Do we love OUR SELF?
Would I except this personality that I have, if I were the other person whom I want to except me. Do I have the same perspective toward myself, as I want the world to have with me.
But existing is our most basic priority, which is there from the day, life started on this earth, so we choose to stick to the old story. We choose to live menial life because we are afraid of rejecting ourselves.
Belief can be anything, the person you believe in, the religion you believe in or the work ethic we believe in. This believe has the power to create us or destroy us, yet belief is a choice.
These people who cannot make the right decision to believe in the entity that leads to give us what we want, or cannot change their believes, tend to think that they don’t have the control in their life, hence victim mentality. These decision to choose our story, do not take place in our thinking and awake mind, this decision making takes place in our subconscious mind. The knowledge/information is given to our thinking mind which process it, but accepting the truth is inner battle that takes place in your subconsciousness.
Let me elaborate with some example:
Situation1: You love someone and have been with that person for multiple year now. They also love you the same, yet one specific morning that person decides to cheat on. When you get this information from a well-wisher of yours this is what happens:
1. The thinking brain ticks,
a. you realize why your lover had been acting so weird lately
b. you also realize that he has less time for you and
c. remember the handkerchief of lover’s friend.
d. You accept you are cheated on
2. The ball comes to subconsciousness and your emotions come into play.
3. This simple truth has enormous emotional effect, that has started to move you.
4. Yet you don’t have the courage to take that emotional distress, you can’t take it.
5. To save yourself from this enormous pain, you change the reasoning and bend the truth.
6. There are following statements your thinking brain comes up with:
a. your lover is just stressed from work, and they love you
b. work load has increased, and they love you
c. a handkerchief is not evidence, and they love you
d. You accept that the information is wrong, your well-wisher may not be your well-wisher
And, you don’t even check to the possibility that your lover cheated on you and want to be loved. Everything is great in your life, but something is not right, possibly your so called well-wisher did something to you. One day everything falls off when you can’t deny you’ve been cheated. You not only stop trusting your lover, you also stop trusting yourself.
The aforementioned situation was easy to be seen and very well portrayed in media. The next situation is real life based, happens to all, yet always invisible.
Situation2: You run a company of about 12, one day you organize a party, where all your employees are invited. One of your employee spoke critical of you in a deep conversation. He said “You are a good person, but harsh at time. I see that you talk very rude some times to your employees”, he also added “If you are more softer at times, if would be great relive for us”.
1. The Thinking Brain ticks,
a. Last week my voice was heard outside the office
b. My spouse is not comfortable with me
c. Two employee left last week
d. You accept the fact for a second
2. The ball comes to subconsciousness and your emotions come into play.
3. This truth has negative emotional effect, it makes you uncomfortable. Your confidence suddenly seems to decrease, you feel dominated by inferior personality. Your ego feels unsatisfied.
4. However confidence is your priority. You want to dominate the person in that social environment.
5. To save yourself from such embarrassment, you bend your reality a little bit.
6. There are following statements your thinking brain comes up with:
a. My voice was loud due to the loss that I had seen, what does he know
b. My spouse would tell me, if I am harsh
c. Two employees left, because they were incompetent
d. Anyone can get loud at time and what does this employee know
Instead of looking for problem in your behavior, you start to tell your employee that how much hard it is to open a company and what will they know. At this moment you are pumped up with pride instead of embarrassment, this is what we always want. You move on, you are a kind person, you forget what your employee said. A month after, this employee resigns your company with good regards, which is followed by five more employee. You have many projects stacked up, yet very less people. Remaining employee are less skilled and your pressure is skyrocketing, you become more irritated. Someday you, remember that night when this person pointed out incompetence. You now know, that person conspired against you and he is responsible for your problem.
Again you were able to tackle the emotions of being guilty, by telling yourself the comfortable story and ignoring the harsh truth that you may need to improve. Only the one who are able to accept this truth are able to grow, rest don’t.
Let us level up on the problem, let us talk about relationships.
Situation3: You are father of two teenage sons, and you are controlling. Their decision for their own life is rejected by you and they have to work with what you want. You have to take decisions for them, because they are gullible/idiots (Not made a right choice in life). However this is frustrating for them too, your sons seek freedom of choice. One day, while having dinner, your older son speaks up against you, he says “I want to take my own decision, even if they are wrong”, he adds “You are too controlling, we feel like puppets in your hands”, he also counts how many time you’ve messed up, and you too have made wrong decisions for them.
1. The thinking brain ticks,
a. You realize that you are controlling
b. You see remember the wrong decision, you’ve made
c. You also realize that, you haven’t let them take decisions, other than “What to eat, and where to go”
d. You accept that you are too controlling
2. The ball comes to subconsciousness and your emotions come into play.
3. The truth takes time to settle, there is not much of a emotional effect yet (You have been thinking for a minute now, because you want best for your son)
4. You feel the power fading away, but your child is right, you accept that you are wrong.
5. You are about to speak, but then you remember your experiences based on which your decision were made. How come your life was wrong and your experiences were empty.
6. Strong emotional response kicks in. You feel strongly rejected. The anger gets in.
7. (For some cases only) The love for your son fades
8. Your thinking brain makes new statements:
a. I need to be controlling to child with that bad attitude
b. My decisions were not wrong, this idiot didn’t even do what was told
c. They don’t deserve freedom, I pay for these arrogant children
d. How come he talks to me like this, he has very bad attitude
9. This increases the anger eventually
You start speaking softly how you need to do, what you did and how your children were inadequate/incompetent. How they need to work hard. Your voice become harsh, you are angry. You scold your son: You have a wrong attitude, how come you talk to me this way. I am the one, who is keeping you alive and blah blah..
Your Wife now Speaks: What did he even do, he was just talking. He was just talking politely
You to your wife: What value you have given to your children, blah blah
Your make your son realize how wrong he is, and he apologizes. Since your child questioned your ego and life, you don’t like this one. You don’t even think before pointing mistake, that he didn’t do.
This goes on for few years, you questioned his every move and made his life somewhat difficult.
Situation4: Now you are the older son, of above mentioned example. You don’t live with your parents anymore. You’ve been sitting one day thinking about your father now. And ask yourself, should you care of your father.
1. The thinking brain ticks,
a. He took care for me all these year
b. Whatever he did, he loves me
c. At least he gave me the good education, that I needed
d. I exist because of him
e. You decide, you will see him this Sunday only
2. The ball comes to subconsciousness and your emotions come into play.
3. The feeling of gratitude kicks in, you are about to get up to pack bags
4. Memories kicks in, the memories of your suffering because of your father. You remember that, he was jailer of jail named home you lived in. You try but don’t remember positive moments even though they exist.
5. There is a battle in yourself, you’re grateful/ you’re grateful not.
6. To stop this emotional turmoil, you’re thinking brain kicks in:
a. He never understood me
b. He never cared for me as a person, I was just his toy
c. I was just his investment, to boast in old age
d. I could have had a better life, if he wanted to give me
e. I’ll send some money, that all he wanted. He doesn’t deserve to be with me
Every time you, want to see your dad you have the same thinking experience and you won’t visit him, which may be the biggest regret when you grow old.
This was about the stories we tell ourselves, in relationships. Things got really bad(I felt very sad writing the aforementioned story, idk how this content came in my head). Not always we are the prisoners of our mind, but sometimes jailers of others.
Let us talk about, how religious beliefs can interfere with relations, a story that I am giving out of my life.
Situation5: You are a mid-aged women having a teenage daughter. Your whole life you’ve had unbelievable faith in god(hindu gods), your mother believed to have seen some godly figure herself. The story you tell yourself is this:
This world is governed by gods and the same old hindu mythology of heaven and hell on earth. Additionally you think that, praying to god is must for our health. You also believe in many myths that rule Indian lands.(By any means, I don’t want to hurt anyone religious beliefs)
Your daughter just turned fifteen last week, she is interested in learning about universe, science and looks at things logically. The story she tells herself:
We are made of cell…than biology, chemistry and physic to the big bang and Stephan Hawkins. If what you are speaking is true, one statement of yours should not contradict with others you said.
One day the daughter asks her mother, some very basic question based on logic and fact based on your statements. She points out, that your words are contradictory. She say “Ma, why don’t you see that you aren’t right even when I prove you, that you were wrong, by your words. You are somehow not true to your words only. If god were to see us all the time, why do we have temples, can’t we pray in our rooms.”
1. The thinking brain ticks,
a. Logically she may be right
b. Never thought of that
2. The ball comes to subconsciousness and your emotions come into play.
3. You feel afraid. Your truth is completely bent and you feel like touching a dangerous elephants, which can kill you. Your flight and fight responses come into play.
4. You want to leave that place, because your life is threatened by acceptance of one simple truth.
5. These Prayers and Myths are your worlds, without this religion, your existence has no meaning. By questioning your religious beliefs, you daughter, has questioned the meaning of your existence. “How dare she!! It would have been better she killed me instead”, a part of you consciousness shouted.
6. This makes you hate this person, because the meaning of our existence is more important to us. This handle to beliefs of a religion, when you were very young, by your own parents.
7. Your thinking brain is numb, you don’t say much. You listen in silence.
8. But mare words triggered an emotional volcano within you, which just want to burn your daughter. It is greatness that, you say nothing to her, BUT YOU HATE HER.
Your foolish daughter thinks she won by conveying her mother, her part of the story but little did she know and little did you know, how much you hate her. This conversation is forgotten. But the impact will always remain there.
You will never be able to look your daughter with same happiness, you saw earlier. She is somehow a threat to you. There were multiple time, your daughter tried to convince you that your believes were harming you, but little she knew you are alive due to your believes. She turned atheist, and you are afraid to question it. When ever you are near her, you feel afraid that she may bring that conversation again.
You don’t care for your daughter as much for your beliefs. This is not your fault, its not even your parents fault who taught you these things, but you are trapped in your own mind. You are trapped to love your own daughter. If you are reading this, you can relate somehow, and the feeling you were probably guilty for wasn’t your fault.
Even you can break free, by finding a better purpose and trying out better beliefs. It will take time but, it is not impossible.
Ok, this was emotional too, but this can happen. Our minds plays games with us and this is very good example. This example is also the reason why religious beliefs collapse and more and more people are converting atheism.
The story that we tell our self, controls our emotions and controls our life.
A Big Challenge
बुरा जो देखन मैं चला, बुरा न मिलिया कोय, जो दिल खोजा आपना, मुझसे बुरा न कोय।
The biggest challenge is to see our mistakes. This is a very common mistake that we make in relationships. Father did the same mistake, the employer did the same mistake(view the examples). Many people in romantic relationship do the same mistake too.
Our mistake are just small errors and others mistake are big blunder — this is the attitude that we must run away from. An alternative story we can tell ourselves, — “Others are human and make errors. I want to become better human I should look into my mistakes.”
Is It Controllable
It may look fairly impossible, but it is very much controllable to define our mindset. All we need to do is to think of better story we tell ourselves. In second example, if the employer would have thought of multiple possibility, he may have seen that he was wrong.
Another way to control the story, is by predicting the other person’s story. Looking from a different point of view.
The most important thing is to remember:
“We are human beings and can always stand wrong, there is 50:50 probability and inspecting that we may be wrong. In fact the more we find problems in ourselves we grow.”
A little bit introspection, empathy and humility is the best way to keep ourselves growing. No matter however painful the truth is, the lies only give us more pain.
The story we tell our self decides what kind of life we live in.
How to see better Perspective
Knowledge is Power.
Depending on which part of your life is behind, choose the subject and study it. You will eventually see a rise in curiosity because this changes your problem. Reading books, reading blogs and taking to better people always works.
Talk to people, look for constructive criticism and critically analysis your actions. Imagination is also a very powerful tool, trying to think from 3rd person perspective.
This May Not Be True
Some may argue that, this is not true at all. How can one change his world, by telling a different story. No hardwork, no investment and this can’t change anything.
I would like to question you, that-
You were already working hard? Did anything happen?
And telling our self, changing our perspective and changing our belief is not that easy. This is emotional turmoil and consistency is required. When you find a good story, feel confidant, remembering it and repeat is important.
Not convinced?
Ok don’t buy it, but what is the problem in looking for a different stories. May be your son doesn’t has a wrong attitude, maybe your wife is much smarter than you think, maybe your relatives don’t talk to you because of your behavior.
Maybe you are not stuck in life, maybe you still have lots of time for yourself, maybe you can still learn at an old age, maybe working is more effective than praying…
I am writing this for people who want to change their life, and just can’t. This is for the people who are controlled by an invisible force. This is for people who are frustrated and don’t want to live. They just can’t see the beauty in world. I am writing, because I see some of my folks stuck in their heads, they are giving priority to wrong things and blaming the wrong people.
I saw the changes in my life, by changing my believes and story I told myself. By telling myself a better story I was able to remove the emotional suffering, that I had been living in from years.
I hope some of these days, I wake up to tell myself even better story.